To have and to hold
The other day I watched the latest Woody Allen film, You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger.
It struck me as being a story of people’s expectations about relationships and their disappointment because these expectations often had nothing to do with what the other person was willing or able to give.
It made me wonder if that’s normal. Are we all operating with a set of expectations that aren’t necessarily aligned with those of the people with whom we are in a relationship? Take the very word “dating”, what does it mean exactly? Do we all have the same idea of its significance?
As a European, I have no clear idea of what the word means at all, so I asked an American. He said that dating meant “hanging out on a regular basis”. Hmmm. About.com says dating is “getting to know someone over an extended period of time to determine if a relationship is something worth pursuing.” The forum discussion referenced in that article mentions “interest in something for the future.” But a forum discussion on POF about the difference between “hanging out” and “dating” shows it’s not all that obvious…
Add into the mix such terms as “casual dating”, “short-term dating”, “long-term dating” and “relationship”, and it’s even more confusing. How often should we be seeing each other? Should we be having sex? Should we be seeing other people? How often should we be contacting each other? What sort of activities should we be doing together? (Only ones that allow us to talk and get to know each other, or ones that allow us to share things?) How should we refer to each other? Should we hold hands or kiss in public or otherwise indulge in “romantic” activities? The list goes on.
Personally, I don’t like having to ask myself these sorts of questions. We Europeans (for once) are not so complicated as North Americans seem to be. If you go out with someone in Europe, either you’ve already slept with them or you intend to that night. If you’ve already shagged someone then you aren’t going to go back to kissing them on the cheek when you see them. But that doesn’t mean till death us do part or even that there is any set-in-stone expectation that you will shag them again.
The added dimension is, of course, that of midlife. The playing field has changed. Many of us are no longer looking for that ideal. We’ve redefined our assumptions. We’re open to other forms of relationship or we’re actively avoiding putting ourselves back into the same situation we just got out of. We don’t want people to put pressure on us and so we try to avoid putting pressure on others. We’re more honest with ourselves as far as our sexual desires go and we’re more demanding about getting them fulfilled. We are less willing to compromise on our desires.
That’s a good thing. It’s authentic. And I’m convinced “perfect” is possible, as long as we don’t believe that there is only one. But I’m also thinking that the only clear way of making sure we get what we want is to just come right out and say what our expectations are.
